Now it's over, I'm dead, and I haven't done anything that I want...

... or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do.

I have been wanting to use this lyric for a long time, but thought it a little callus considering recent happenings. But we visited the cemetery today, so it seems as appropriate as I am going to get.

By some stroke of luck, all of my grandparents are buried next to each other. The Morris next to the M's. My grandfathers, who both died when I was very young, I know mostly through the good and bad things they passed on to their children. My grandmothers, who both met Punky but didn't get to be at our wedding and will never hold my children, I miss so much sometimes I forget to breathe thinking about them. I recently had the urge to run away and, had Gma Sly been alive, I would have fled to Baudette for a few days. Would have been lovely.

Anyway, at the cemetery, we walked to Punky's grandparents' grave, which is about a city block from my grandparents'. Really, how lucky/strange/creepy is that? Their grave is close to someone mom used to know. So there we were, heads down, looking through grave markers for people we knew.

Lord, help my children, cuz they're gonna be weird.

Some say love

I have been thinking about the word "easy" a lot lately. It started with this great poster about gender roles and an easy-bake oven. I don't remember having an easy-bake oven as a kid, but I would've probably taken it apart and tried to rebuild it better.

Anyway... easy. I'm tired of people expecting easy. Have we become so lazy and contented by mediocrity that we want easy, especially easy success? Sure, things can be simple. Simple is good. But easy? Do we really want easy?

I seem to continually focus on "better". Some think that I have a negative judgment of the here and now, but that's not it. I'm saying 'This is good. What more can we do to make it better?'. You don't look at a beautiful rose bush and say, 'Cool, now I can stop watering, feeding and weeding this puppy!'. You continue to work on it so it continues to grow and be beautiful.

I realize that I have had too much coffee so far today, so I am having problems making my brain put a sentence together.

So I will ask you again, what makes a great summer for you?

Oh, and I keep talking about this recipe so here it is:
Almond and wheatgerm encrusted chicken with mango salsa

Prepare two bowls: One with a whipped egg the other with mostly wheatgerm and as much sliced almond bits (I break them with my hands) as you like. (I will be trying this with coconut soon). Dip thawed chicken into the egg, then the wheatgerm mixture. Put into pan greased lightly with olive oil. Bake for 30-40 minutes at 350 degrees.

Dice a mango without the skin, add two tablespoons of finely chopped green onion, a handful of dried cilantro, a dash of salt and the juice of half a lime.

Toss a lettuce salad with the salsa and add the chicken in slices or chunks. Enjoy!

And the living is easy...

Lately, I have been walking the dog up at the community club by our house. He runs free while I walk around a few times. I usually wear pant and shoes that get really muddy, as I take particular delight in walking through mud puddles rather than around. Today I decided to wear sandals instead.

There is something about muddy feet that make me very happy. I'm not really vain, but I usually make sure I look presentable and put-together. At the field, my lack of make-up, my muddy pants, my old t-shirt, my dirty hair in a hat and ponytail, well, it's very liberating. The sun, the fresh air, the fact that my dog is finally old enough to keep track of me rather than the other way around. It's all lovely.

What is my point? I was thinking today, what would make the summer perfect? Trips to Gooseberry, hiking with friends, camping? What makes the summer perfect?

She's waiting like an iceberg, waiting to change

SuperBec gave me a sampling of new music, which included an amazing album by KT Tunstall called "Eye to the Telescope".

I'm rather amazed by the number of albums in stores that only have a handful of listenable songs with a lot of filler. Or there's a lack of flow in the transitions between songs, like when a slow song clears the dancefloor.

This album reminds me of the kind of albums I end up buying when I ask employees at cool record stores for suggestions. When I was in CT, someone suggested Radiohead's Ok Computer. At Duluth's Disc-go-round, Neal pointed me in the direction of Amy and Jerrod (which I may be spelling incorrectly), which includes a song about beating up Jewel. When I was in CO someone back home suggested Olive's Trickle. These suggestions always make me feel like I have been given a little treasure map.

Last week for mother's day, we went to Luce and caught Mary Bue serenading the diners. How fabulous!

Lord help the sister

I had the honor today of seeing four sisters today. Though they are each so much of an individual, you can tell they are close. I feel very blessed to have one sister. Three would be a gigantic phone bill.

I laugh when people suggest that Bec and I are exactly alike. This is not an insult, just really funny.

Though we have totally different careers, tastes in decorating, cooking styles, the one thing we bond over most is movies. Growing up, we reenacted Annie, we conned our parents into letting us go to Dirty Dancing, we knew the soundtrack to Some Kind of Wonderful by heart, we obsessed over Grease 2. Throw in Strictly Ballroom, anything Molly Ringwald and a little something called Don't Tell Her it's Me, and you have my formative years.

So, what sets us apart, you may ask? Well, I'm not sure, but I have a theory it has something to do with my need to watch "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp."

You've got to find a way, say what you want to say, break out!

Tonight I went to a Polarity Mapping training, which essentially brings out your strengths and weaknesses and reveals how to use them both to fulfill your wants and wishes. After listing both negative and positive traits of males and females, we talked about Confusion strategies. Aggressive (I'm an angry camper) and not enough (once I have all the pieces fit perfectly together I can move on) are my top traits. Being emotional and following rules were least like me.

At this point, I was pretty impressed with my insights on myself. But then we had to write down our strengths, strengths overdone (otherwise known as weaknesses), what we avoid at all costs and what we desire or want. Here are a few of mine:

Strengths: Work ethic, intelligence, organized, humor, sensitive
Strengths overdone: Independent, sense of fair, perfectionist, dramatic, judgmental, competitive
What I avoid: Trusting people, money management, emotional exposure, blame, expressing my needs, rejection
What I desire: Independence, security, not worrying about money, worthiness, health, a family and patience

So the key to getting what you want is to do what you avoid.

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

Why can't I sleep

I couldn't sleep last night. I cleaned my office and did a bunch of paperwork until 2, when I could finally crash. Then I couldn't wake up in the morning. This is becoming my normal pattern. Any suggestions? No, I am not napping and yes I am drinking too much caffeine.

Punky and I started an all meat/veggie/fruit diet today. No carbs or sugar. Oh boy.

I have many goals for today, but the biggest is giving the Nuschler a bath. He is a stinky boy. After petting him, I need dish soap to get my hands clean. But it's nice outside so we can both handle getting drenched. He does not stay clean, so for one day I get to enjoy a lovely smelling puppy. Lovely until he finds the next mud puddle.

Broke into the old apartment

I was driving back from the cities this afternoon, thinking about how lovely the cities are. Sure, there's no lake, people drive like they are running from the law and everything is the same -wood, -dale or -ville, but there's something about it that makes me feel happy and revived.

I lived in the cities for a year back in 1998, just after graduation. My first two weeks there, I had exactly $2.87 for food until a friend figured out that I had no food or money, took me out to dinner, loaded me up with left-overs and slipped me some cash.

While living there, my friend Jules and I went out or did something special every night of the week basically. We would go out to dinner, go to the swanky cheap theater, make fancy meals for dinner parties and generally had a blast.

Yes, there is an ugly flip side to this life, but that's not the back I chose to reminisce about. Sometimes I miss this night life I used to have. Other times, I think "How did I have that much energy?"

It's fun just thinking about it.

Drain

Drain

Listening to the drained
water rushing toward
something more free
than my faucet
The noise making me feel
sloth-slow
one wall to the other
in search of something
to occupy my need to love
or just touch someone.

Me as droplet
racing to rejoin the ocean
of thoughts and feelings
left behind when broken off
(or I guess broken up)
whatever it is you call it
whenever you leave.

Gone and loned
listening to stupid sounds
like the drain.

-Sara on July 30, 1998

I'm an extraordinary machine

I was picking out Mother's Day cards yesterday, going through my list. Something pretty with a short and sweet message for my mom, something sweet and "from your son" for my mother in law. Something simple and nice for Pam. It feels weird to change my mental list. Unnatural.

Three years ago we were planning our wedding, Punky had been laid off and was looking for a new job, I was starting my business while my part-time job was in a tough transition. I saw my stress as an ocean. My options were to flail around and potentially drown in it, or to float on top of it, continue to breathe and only make the moves that would steady myself.

I don't envision myself floating anymore. I'm swimming in very particular directions. I'm working on not letting other currents divert me from my destination.

I was driving home from movie night last night and was stopped on 21st Ave. I looked up at a window and saw a college-aged guy sitting at a computer. It's finals week at UMD and elsewhere. Looking at this young man, I breathed in a beautiful moment as I remembered being there and wishing I could be one of those regular, non-studying people living normal lives while I crammed Organic Chemistry into a tired, full brain.

Ah, life is good.

Sweet dreams are made of this

Today is the Lion's Club Pancake Day at the Decc. Since I normally only love my mother's Swedish pancakes, this was my first year eating pancakes at noon with a few hundred of my fellow carb-lovers.

I went with Punky and a few of his new co-workers. I thought he was merely happy about working with people with similar interests as him, but now I see he has actually, finally found his people. They do not just talk about new technology and gadgets, but also share the obscure uses of technology that only tech-nerds would know or even care about. Totally lost on me.

However strange this outing was, it may make me famous. There is a good chance I will be in the paper tomorrow, getting a cup of coffee. Matty got his picture in the paper when he was 2 or 3 with a face covered in spaghetti sauce. Keep your fingers crossed to see me tomorrow!

We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue...

First, let me say that this is not my title. My sister (who is my best friend/personal shopper/tormenter) wanted to pick out some lyrics for me to use.

This song, which I believe only has three different lines repeated endlessly, bring me back to the days of Johnny, my best friend as a kid. We, along with our friend Chad, were rather inseparable.

John's mom reminded me today of the first day Johnny went to pre-school. He had been wait-listed and got in two weeks later than the rest of us. However, I stood at the door and refused to let him in as it was my school. He went home crying saying that Sara wouldn't let him in.

When I think of myself as a kid, I only remember being fearless and determined. I wanted to try and do everything immediately. Now may be a good time to admit that I have been bossy and demanding my whole life. Was. Am. Will forever be.