Soy un perdidor, I'm a loser, baby...

Knowing only a little bit of a language can get you in a lot of trouble.

I was at the Superior fair this evening, preparing to get out of there as fast as I could, when a man walked by. I smiled and said hi like I do with everyone who passes by. I soon understood that he did not speak English, only Spanish. My rusty Spanish skills were no match for his complete lack of understanding.

I understood that he said I was beautiful ('muy bonita') and was propositioning me. I pointed to the ring and said spouse. He then asked if I had girlfriends as beautiful as me. Uh, no. Not any that wouldn't disown me for setting them up with a carnival worker (he had shown me his id).

I then tried to get him to go, but couldn't think of any Spanish words to get him to leave me alone. I asked my friend in the opposite booth to escort me to my car, but had to promise this man I would be back tomorrow. I will not be back tomorrow.

Part of me is grossed out and sickened at the thought that there are such men out in the world so gross and sick.

Another, smaller, part of me thinks it's just too funny. "Mom, Dad, this is Yomundo..."

I don't belong to you and you don't belong to me

I have believed in the voice of God since I was 19, when I was told that I was strong enough to survive. Every so often, I stop listening. Over the past, well, year or so, I have been ignoring it entirely. I have put myself into a proverbial cocoon, hoping one day to emerge as a butterfly.

Yet again, I found myself in a great conversation today. I was affirmed, empowered and touched by a woman who will one day be everyone's favorite History professor. This week has been about blasting open that cocoon and emerging as a...

Busy bee?

Powerful wasp?

Sassy butterfly.

I am now, again and forever, in awe of the power of belief.

Speaking of strong, awesome women, our dear friend Blanche left us yesterday. She was smart, funny and kind. Though we will miss her, I am thankful her pain is over.

China, all the way to New York, I can feel the distance getting close

A medium-sized brown bear was wandering my block yesterday afternoon. I saw the neighbor boys video-taping something, but didn't think to look at what it was. I was in the car driving by. With me in a car and the puppy safely in the house, it was a pretty cool sight. Wahoo for urban sprawl.

I spontaneously got to hang out with a good friend last night. She pointed out a few things that I have been letting fester for a while. I tend to review my past mistakes and use it as evidence against my current self. In always striving to be better, I tend to be judgmental and cruel, to myself and the people around me. I could spend a lot of time apologizing to people, but I think I will simply forgive myself and strive to shut my mouth more.

Sometimes the bull in the China shop gets the job done. Other times, she gets tranquilized.

Here comes Iver the engine driver to make us feel much better

I could have very easily stayed in bed this morning for a long time. But I got up, prepared to spend the morning putting my house back to normal and de-lake-ing my clothes.

Instead, I said yes to things I would normally say no to. But, I put my own conditions on the yes'. I spent the day running from thing to thing, but instead of feeling stressed, I felt empowered.

Someone tried to argue with me about my to do list, as if I have nothing really important to do in life. Instead of trying to defend myself (as I would normally jump at the chance to do), I gave her no ammunition. I will protect myself from those who want to belittle me and judge me. I will love myself. I will stop being a polite listener to anyone's negativity.

I feel more normal tonight than I have felt in a while. My goal is to keep it going.

The stars look very different today

We are back from our Wisconsin weekend. It was lovely. Punky golfed the whole time. Puppy played in the lake and whined at the doors the whole time. I went swimming, boating, eating, relaxing and hanging out with my new bud, John. I will upload a few pictures once my computer is back online...

I spent a good amount of time trying to get the dog to jump off the dock. As a little puppy, he ran after my step-mother-in-law down the dock and fell off the end. Ever since, he won't do it. I even pretended to be drowning. He was desperate to jump, but couldn't. My poor, neurotic puppy.

When I arrived, John (1), was taking a few steps between couches, but was mostly holding on for dear life to whomever would walk with him. I remembered a trick and put a clothes pin in each hand. Very quickly, he lowered his arms for balance and, after a few practices, could walk about eight feet between his parents. Being a modern baby, he kept signing "more" after the round of applause he received. I'm thrilled I could be a part of the process.

This afternoon as we were loading up the car, Punky opened the back seat to shake out the puppy blanket and the puppy jumped in. He refused to get out of the car after that. He has looked sleepy and pathetic all day. Just like the rest of us.

Into the woods

Tomorrow I am taking a road trip with my two, favorite brown-eyed boys: The human and the fur-ball. We are going to a cabin with my friends. We are bringing golf clubs, so I don't think this will be all that rustic.

I love road trips with my boys. Punky and I get a chance to catch up and make up songs. Imagine a Wisconsin tourism song to the tune of "Welcome to the Jungle" from GNR. "Welcome to Wisconsin, we've got cows and cheese..." Precious moments are those.

Puppy curls up in the back seat and doesn't make a sound. No barking, no whining. He's just happy to be going somewhere new, with new smells to smell. Even if it is the vet. They have treats there.

I'm excited to catch up with my friends. They have a one-year-old and a three-month-old baby bump (I told you: The world is pregnant.). I'm also excited to catch up with myself. I'm in the mood to reinvent myself. I want to take myself more seriously and ignore those who don't follow my lead.

It's just too bad reinvention can't include getting taller.

Let's get dirty

As it is mid-July, I decided yesterday to start weeding my gardens. There are some people who do this in the spring and are out enjoying their gardens by this point. This is not my style.

When we first got the house, I was excited to not have upstairs neighbors with tread-mills, excited to paint a wall yellow and excited to weed. I realized quickly that my skills at differentiating between a weed and a wanted plant are not that great, mostly because the difference is only in the wanting.

The first year, I had tulips. But also bunnies. I realize there are lots of creative ways to keep one from the other, but wasn't about to go and buy deer pee. Now I have no tulips.

So my plan is to weed out a bunch of stuff, throw hostas in the gapping holes and call it a season.

To everything there is a season

Last night was Relay for Life. I went into it not knowing how long I would last. I thought I would maybe go home at 2am or find a quiet nook to sleep in. But, instead, I stayed up the whole time.

I love walking along the luminaries, seeing the dedications, the pictures. There is so much hope and celebration and loss and letting go. I know a lot of people who walked the survivor lap, which is wonderful to witness. There were also a ton of silly moments, costumes, laughter. They raised over $100,000 for cancer research, something I used to be a part of. I like being on this side of it now.

If my brain wasn't so fuzzy I would wax poetic about the open, starry sky, the beautiful glow of the luminaries, the joy of a little girl dancing to Usher and the laughter that comes when you are too tired to put sentences together. I think you get the picture.

Catch a falling star

Today was unappreciatedly hot. Humid, sticky hot.

I'm trying to remember January. In January, I walk the dog every day so that he doesn't spend the day in my face, begging for attention. Since I am 60% extrovert and 40% introvert, I need a little space each day to remain a decent person. Dogs don't understand space. Wait, I'm digressing...

In January, walking outside for more than house to car, car to work/store/church/therapist, requires long underwear, lined running pants, both layers of ski jacket over turtleneck, white-hot sky boots, ski gloves, hat, balaclava and ski goggles. There is no spontaneous walking. Only planned and meticulously covered walking.

But tonight, when the sun started giving up its reign of heat on us and Nuschler had his "I've been played with all day but could still go for a walk" look, I grabbed the leash, threw on some shoes, and went.

Lovely.

I'm so lonely...

We switched internet providers. So, from last night to a half hour ago, I have been without email, without web sudoku, and without blogs. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I actually got a few other things done, but still it was difficult.

Now I'm back and, supposedly, faster. (Read into that what you will.)

I have been sloth-slow in the heat. Sun-down on days like this are fabulous. I need a screened-in porch and a cold drink...

Oh, and if you are trying to reach me by email, my excite account is still up. I'll be creating a few more and will let you know which to use shortly...

Yes, Kim, you should start a blog.

She drives me crazy

Bec suggested this fine title, so I will let you decide what/who it means if anything at all.

Today was the perfect summer day. It started with a thunderstorm and complete lack of power, which means the three of us hung out together, giving puppy the attention he is so deprived of. After going across town for a pancake brunch, I got to see Pirates. I have a theory about the second installment of trilogies. People who like closure or lack patience usually pan the second, as it acts like dull, tedious highway between two interesting cities. Other people, who have patience and enjoy a good cliff-hanger, love the second best (Empire anyone?). I enjoyed the movie, laughed by myself quite a few times, but am infuriated with the cliff-hangers. Argh indeed.

We then had a picnic on the shore, which included watching Nuschler slip over slimy rocks to retrieve sticks. Then we played apples to apples (How do you pick the best word to describe your mother when she is sitting right next to you? Carefully...). Then I drove home, passing the dark, quiet lake with a shimmery reflection of the moon.

Absolutely perfect.

A light of some kind

I started this blog because I wanted to tell my story, get it out of my system. Ten years ago, in college, I was stalked by an ex-boyfriend for a year and a half. I honestly thought him capable of killing me (which he threatened, subtly, to do) so I lived in a state of fear. I could not convince anyone on campus or in my personal life of the danger and thus I felt totally alone.

In the moment that I decided suicide was my best option, I felt the most powerful presence of God in my life. I heard "But then he wins". I found the well of strength within, that we all have but forget about sometimes. I got angry and fought back. I found new friends who understood my fear and got angry on my behalf. I continued to live a guarded life, but not so alone anymore.

I thought I would never trust a man again. After one date with Punky, I knew that I could and I would.

I still search for the ex-bf on the web, trying to figure out where he is. There was really nothing until last fall, when he spent a month helping victims of a certain natural disaster in a rather musical city (I'm being vague here to avoid web searches). This article painted him as a hero. I hope he is now a good person, who respects women (I was not his only target). (If not, I should send him my tuition bill.) Recently, I found his blog. I realize that I should not go there, as he will eventually track me down.

I should also think about closing down my site. This is mildly dangerous stuff, exposing myself here. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't do anything, but you never know. Since I am a wild and crazy woman, I'm going to continue writing, especially about things I'm not supposed to talk about. Maybe someday he'll find me. I'll have my tuition bill ready for him...

I don't want to wait in vain

I spent four hours this morning waiting for the washer repairman to show up only to find out my appointment was for tomorrow, which is not possible, as I already have a different appointment then. I'm very tempted to rip the thing apart myself, but that would be silly. Shockingly, I know better...

I have been thinking lately about the people in my life who have told me that I am not quite it. My sr. high art teacher said I was a great artist, but had the wrong focus. My high school newspaper advisor said I was a great editor, very talented, but hadn't blossomed yet. This list goes on and on and makes me slightly ill. So, here's my declaration.

I have arrived. I am strong, intelligent, capable women. I can do anything I put my mind to, and my mind is a wacky thing. You may either believe in me or be nowhere near me. Your choice.

"you won't see me surrender
you won't hear me confess
cuz you've left me with nothing
but I've worked with less."
-ani

Suddenly I see

I went to see "The Devil Wears Prada" yesterday and was surprised by how much I loved it. Having a vast collection of bad boss stories myself, I enjoyed seeing how far the boss was willing to push, what craziness she was going to demand next.

I had many a Saturday ruined by a bad boss. In the cities, I was called into the science stacks in July (sauna-like conditions with that musty-book stank) to sit around for an hour and then photocopy one article for my boss. Heavens forbid he operate the copy machine himself. He could sprain something! His other assistant was there as well. I did what I was told, but wrote every incident down and eventually manipulated my way into the charge of another supervisor.

My second professional job, I had to hide from my boss every Friday afternoon or else I would be working on Saturday. If he found me, I would have a rock solid reason for needing Saturday off: Volunteering to bring orphans to the zoo, spending the day building houses for Habitat, donating an organ to a good friend. Since I didn't actually do any of those things and am a terrible liar, I worked a lot of Saturdays. I do wonder if, had I been passionate about my work, I would have been thrilled to work with my boss one-on-one on Saturdays. Shouldn't I have jumped at that opportunity?

Now, because of this movie, I am wondering if I thought myself too good for mundane tasks. Have I ever been passionate about my work, whatever that is? That answer is yes, but not consistently, and never about science.

Now that I am my own boss, I am thinking about becoming a crazy boss to myself. Could be just what I need...

Sweet emotion

In the continuing saga of me and yoga, I went to my fourth class on Thursday. For the most part, I feel like I do okay with most of the poses. Yoga is about starting from anywhere and improving your posture, strength and form for as long as you practice yoga, so there is no shame in being lame.

There is one move in particular that I had not even thought to try until Thursday. You go from a downward-facing dog (on your hands and feet in a V), bend the knees and jump your legs through your arms. For me, that's a lot of stuff flying through the air, but I thought I would try for good measure. Not only did not make it, but I plowed my head into the floor (no impact, so I'm not concussed) and nearly took out the instructor (my dear friend Amy).

The old me would have been embarrassed, would have left right then and vowed never to come back. But I was laughing so hard I really didn't care.