More signs

If you read Michelle's post, you heard all about my thoughts of our extra 200 directories. When Diane called me to tell me they had been delivered, I really thought she was pranking me. The company was making up for 6 bad directories. I was hoping for perks to use next time or even a check. Not 200 directories.

In trying to wrap my mind around what to do with them, I realized that it wasn't my problem. Yesterday, while driving to church for a service I didn't even have time for, I realized that this was a sign that we should do whatever big idea has been floating around. Now, is this related to the money given to the church? My first thought was, "We're going to need a second service". But it really isn't my problem. It is Hope's blessing.

And, hey, it's a gorgeous directory to boot!

On another note, I realized that I have been pushing for balance in my life when I really need to let go and chill about it. I got to run vocab words with Theo (try "octopus" next time you get the chance - so cute!) and still had a very productive day!

Happy Birthday Nuschler!

Yesterday, my brown-eyed baby puppy turned 2 years old. He was "whelped" on March 28, 2004. To be "whelped" actually sounds dangerous to me, but I'm sure it was probably more gross than anything else.

Back then he turned our world upside down. Punky didn't want him in his kennel for more than an hour at a time, thus ending my life as I knew it. I like to think of myself as spontaneous, but really I am addicted to my routine, so puppy was quite an adjustment.

Now, 2 years and 96 pounds later, he is a huge part of our lives. He hasn't been in his kennel for months. He loves his grandpa Fred (the feeling is mutual). I believe he spends his free-time practicing his adorable glances. My favorite is when he rest his head on my stomach and looks into my eyes.

If I thought he had more than two brain cells, I would be afraid he could read my mind.

If you want to destroy my sweater, hold this string as I walk away

Does one ever out-grow junior high gawkiness? I've realized lately that I try so hard to make sure things are good between myself and someone else that I may actually be hurting the relationship with my smothering questions. Try as I might, I just can't shake the feeling that I am doing something socially wrong.

I have a friend who claims she really doesn't care what people think about her. I couldn't wrap my brain around this idea until it occurred to me that I really do care what the people whom I love and respect think about me. I think, if pressed, she would agree.

But perhaps it is time to stop worrying about my social challenges and accept that people who don't like me can choose to avoid me.

Is that why you don't call anymore?

Always look on the bright side of life

This weekend, I went out to dinner with my sister and some friends. I sat next to a woman who finds me, well, maybe irksome. Usually one does never expect the Spanish Inquisition, but with her I actually brace myself for it.

I wonder if it is my existence she is most abrasively curious about. I'm married without kids. I own my own business and love it. I realize these things make me a big target, but sometimes I expect people to use some restraint.

I have been thinking about what is going to happen when she pushes too far. Will I make fun of HER livelihood? Will I break into a lesson on how to hold a conversation with people you care about? Will I simply walk away?

I really don't know. Maybe I'll just blog about it and hope she reads it and takes notes.

She blinded me with science

I have recently been accused of knowing tons of useless, Hollywood facts, as if my brain is full of nothing else. I've been thinking about this a lot. I mean, I could talk about quantum physics with some actual knowledge basis, but who would listen?

I believe it has to do with needing to feel connected to what is going on in the world without hearing all the depressing stuff. I watched Larry King the other night about the recent air attack on Iraq. He has a great job. He essentially needs to know how to pronounce everyone's name (which I would be HORRIBLE at) and then repeatedly say "with what [last person talking] said, what do you [next person talking] think?". Sure, I was learning about the world, but does it have to be so annoying, depressing and short-sighted?

I guess my problem is that keeping up-to-date with politics and news involves so much sifting through media jargon. Happy news doesn't sell, so it's hard to find. I get depressed about losing freedoms in the name of impossible "safety". I am saddened that we as a country still can't figure out that violence will not stop violence.

So, I instead read about movies, books, music and celebrities. These are simple, frivolous things. I don't think I officially care about Jessica and Nick, TomKat, or who does what, but I feel connected anyhow.

If you want to talk about thermodynamics, bring it on. Otherwise, don't worry about what is inside my head.

I'm gonna clear my head

It is that time of year again. Time to wonder why we live in Duluth. Time to dream of tropical vacations and plan summer picnics.

While wandering the aisles, waiting for a prescription (sadly, not for me), I saw a woman. If given only this woman as evidence, I would have told you it was late May in Duluth. Denim jacket, pastel capri pants, flip-flops. While I admit that my winter coat was over-kill today, open-toed shoes were a stretch. But I admire someone unwilling to bend to old man winter forever.

I may wear my chacos around the house tomorrow and join her ranks.

However, I do know why I live in Duluth. I have tried, in vain, to live away, but am always drawn back. While there may be no jobs, I do get to observe my lake every day. And tonight, while driving home way too late, I saw all the lights of Canal Park reflected in glittering detail on the lake.

It was another beautiful, perfect moment.

Trudging through a winter wonderland

I'm really starting to buy Becca's theory of March needing to be renamed Trudge.

Yesterday, life was easy. The road were dry, the sun was shining and the car was moving effortlessly forward. I actually had the "should I wear a lighter jacket?" conversation in my head.

Today, in the bi-polar times that are March, we are back to real winter. The winter coat is put on without question, the route to any destination is meticulously planned (do I worry about making it up Piedmont Ave or do I worry about stopping on my way down), there is effort in the basics of living.

Hence we are all stir-crazy.

If only we could, collectively, embrace the madness, throw down our shovels, make hot cocoa and hide all day under the comforter. If bears are wise enough to sleep through this crud, why aren't we?

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

Punky's last day of work at the college. They are a tight-knit group, so I get a little teary-eyed talking about it. Monday he starts his dream job. This includes being able to bring Nuschler to work with him. Oh boy.

The last full-time job I left, I had resigned on a Monday and was kicked out the building by Thursday (threatening to sue is a good way to wrap things up). No card, no good-bye dinner. I had to have a friend pilfer my nalgene from the kitchen.

The next day I went to a movie by myself for the first time ever. I was the only person in the theater. It was fabulous!

Music: A shout-out to Semisonic. These boys from Minneapolis toured with BNL back when I was in college. I know who I want to take me home...

I will not be afraid of women.

As I posted earlier, I am giving up fear and doubt for Lent. Last Wednesday at the Lenten service, Michelle talked about getting uncomfortable in Lent. As hard as fear and doubt are, they are a very comfortable cop-out.

There is a woman I have been meaning to talk to about my business for many months. She is many things I am not: Tall, blond, stylish. I am normally not drawn to women like her for fear that there are junior high tendencies lurking behind the perfectly coifed hair, but I heard she was also very sweet.

So, yesterday I decided to talk to her. And then I chickened out. In wandering away, I remembered that I gave up fear and marched myself back to her. And I talked to her. And though I talked to her two years too late, I accomplished something pretty cool.

I shut fear out.

Hey little Jailbait, tell me a story

I should probably simply comment on this, but I must talk about Martin Sexton. Bec would have to tell you who introduced her to his music (Flaw?).

Since hearing "Black Sheep", it's been difficult to escape the seductive sounds of Mr. Sexton. His rich voice, his deep melodious tunes grab your guts without you knowing it was coming. He's a furry, burly man many women, and a few men, would love to hang out with.

In grad school, a friend introduced me to Aimee Mann music and, in exchange, I gave her Martin. She is now a huge fan and has made it abundantly clear to her boyfriend that he would have to step aside should Martin ever make his move.

I applaud him for not using his seductive powers for evil. (So far as I know)

While Punky and I don't agree too much on music (While we are both fond of the old-school British invaders, our country collections are polar opposites- his enormous, mine consisting only of the chicks), we agree on Martin.

Yes, we should like to see a burning-bush-like sign...

.. but anything would be fine.

I have been thinking about signs from God a ton lately. I'm always asking for the burning bush, have been waiting for it for the last two years. Am I supposed to be doing what I am doing, crazy as it is, or do I go back to the very things I dislike. I've seen little signs the whole time, but now they are getting bigger. I am no longer in the land of indecision. I can breathe a deep breath and get to work.

It always takes me a few days to figure out what I am going to give up/take on for Lent. I once gave up potato chips and french fries, which lasted a year and a half, as I found I didn't miss them. I could do that again. I don't want to give up chocolate or coffee and then obsess over it for six weeks. I am, instead, giving up fear and doubt. I bathe in fear and doubt on a regular basis. I'm taking on joy, prayer and gratitude.

Music: Heard Purple Rain. I'm actually taller than Prince, which is down-right sad as I am short as it is. What he lacks in height, he makes up for in composing and singing. He was metro-sexual long before it was cool, yet he made it so hot. And this is coming from the girl who would have to seriously consider running off with Martin Sexton if given the opportunity (Of course, Punky, I wouldn't do it).

No day but today

I am torn between two loves at the moment.

Bachelor #1 is the movie musical "Rent". I have never seen it on stage and I didn't see it in the theater, but fell in love with my first watching the DVD. I'm a sucker for musicals as it is (I cannot stay in a foul mood through White Christmas), but worried that the rock aspect would annoy me. Instead, I really got into it. I love the themes of standing up for what you believe in and taking risks in life. I find myself singing songs from in throughout the day. There is something about angst-ridden, washed-out rock stars that is so adorable...

Bachelor #2 is the new "Pride and Prejudice". I assumed that P+P was the most boring thing on earth until I was in Colorado and my friend Kat baited me with Chinese food and sat me down with the mini-series. I stayed up until 3am watching. I fell in love with the wit, the humor, the delicate tragedy of misunderstandings. However, I quickly learned I was incapable of watching the whole thing at a time. Thus, I created my own, edited version.

When the new one came out, I was concerned but hopeful. This version cuts out the time by paying close attention to detail. Every scene is rich with looks, sighs, tear-brimmed eyes and other nuances that give us a better understanding of why this is all so difficult. I know that, even as she rejects Darcy, Elizabeth is already in love with him, instead of being foreign to her own feelings. Superb!

Bachelor #3 is of course Punky, whom I pick every time.